As Ornery and I have been immersing ourselves in tools relating to increasing our net worth, we have been doing a lot of reading. We start our day early. The new programmable coffee maker comes on and performs its magic at 2:45, so by the time the alarm comes on at 3:00 AM, the coffee is already brewed and waiting. Magic, I tell you!
Bolstered by a few sips of caffeine, we spend some time reading, first a portion of a Bible Study book, then a chapter in Proverbs and some of the Psalms. Then we pray and read a wealth file from the T Harv Eker book, Secrets of the Millionaire Mind. After that we read aloud all the declarations from the book--even more than the ones printed on the free download pdf. Then we spend a few moments talking before I fix breakfast and Ornery goes to work, generally around 4:30.
Around 7:00 in the evening, Ornery climbs onto the recumbent exercise bike for a 30 minute ride, and while he pedals, I read some more, this time from the Dr. James Richards book, Wired for Success, Programmed for Failure. The chapters are short but powerful and often we comment that some point was especially apropos. The idea that success or failure depends solely on our beliefs is coming through loud and strong on every front.
A few days ago I plucked from the shelf in our library the EFT Manual by Dawson Church. Once again I am battered with truth that the beliefs of our hearts dictate every other circumstance in our lives. Every single one! Whether it is health, wealth, happiness, peace or any other situation, if I blame anyone other than myself and my beliefs for the current state, I am both deceiving myself and robbing myself of any possibility of moving beyond my current limitations.
I do not like this. Really, it is much easier to blame someone else (God, my parents, my husband, my kids, my friends, my enemies...) or some external circumstance for my current state than it is to face and assume responsibility for it. Especially if my current state is one that I don't like! Because if I say I don't like it and it is my choices that put me where I am, then I have to think about what secondary gain I have by remaining in my current state.
I have been thinking a lot lately about the conditioning I have received throughout my life. I am writing my memoirs and having to dig deep in the archives of my mind to rediscover what experiences I had and the ensuing choices and decisions that created the person I am today. It is work, and I admit that many days I have to do all sorts of things to convince myself it is worth the effort. I have been doing EFT on a plethora of fears, regrets, limitations and false beliefs. Day by day I can feel myself stepping into freedom, yet moment by moment I vacillate between feeling confident and being scared half to death; but at least I am feeling something.
Four years ago I had pretty well given up on life. I had an eye infection that severely limited my vision, my hip and back had reached such levels of pain I could barely walk from one end of my house to the other without sitting down, and feeling like I had no further purpose on this earth my emotions had reached an all time low. I quit driving, not having any depth of field or ability to focus clearly at a distance, and quit going out because I just didn't have the stamina to walk. Needless to say, my state was alarming to my family, and Ornery was really worried I would just check out one day and not come back. Honestly, I was worried about the same thing!
Eventually we were able to get the eye situation back under control, but I had sold my van to Elizabeth when she totaled her car so I haven't driven in almost four years. One day around the end of September 2013, I shared my fears, my complaints and my lack of will to live with Ornery and we decided together to do what we could to change the situation.
First I started going back to the chiropractor that had helped us both so much in the past. Getting the pain under control was a big relief. My weight, which had continued to increase no matter what I ate or didn't eat, stabilized and even went down slightly. I was able to sleep more soundly and took more of an interest in life in general. Because I rarely went out or saw people, I began seeking out correspondents with whom I could share conversation via the mail. I started expanding my circle of friends on Instagram, and discovered my inner artist. Between the letter writing and art my starving soul began to revive.
Each step along the way I have learned more about myself, and I have come to realize that as long as I allowed my external circumstances to dictate my happiness I would never be truly content; because let's face it, life can deal us some pretty hard blows! My memoirs have been revelatory on many levels, but I see clearly now that my unhealthy obsession with my weight has served me nothing but absolute misery my entire life, whatever level of fat (or not) I was.
It is easy to feel like I wasted 50 years driven by stories that were merely fiction in my head. I believed people would judge me by my body. I believed I was "less than" others because I could not control this aspect of my life. I believed I was not worthy or deserving of abundant life because I was fat. What a crock!! Oh, I realize now many would look at my body and judge me, but that is not because of my fault, it is because they are short-sighted or have also bought into a lie that people are only worth what they show at face value.
The truths I am learning about personal responsibility are liberating. If I (that is the inner-self or heart or subconscious) am the one in control then I can change anything about myself I truly want to change by changing my beliefs. If I chose my beliefs, I can change my beliefs. If I could not think clearly, had no tools at my disposal or didn't have any support system in place, I think this might be a daunting challenge. But my mind is clearer today than it has been in years, I have discovered a dozen or more tools to improve my quality of life, and I am married to an incredible support system and have God's grace--His power, ability, strength and capacity--within.
As for my weight, while I have so far not been able to significantly change that aspect of myself, I suspect it is just a matter or time. I have recently made numerous choices that will combine to create a healthier, more vibrant person and even if I don't ever take off the pounds, I think (hope) the inner me will shine so brightly that others will be blind to that aspect. Learning how to love myself is a lesson I wish I had undertaken to learn many years ago, but as long as I have breath, I have the possibility of changing for the better. And as I renew my mind by believing the truth of who and what God's word says I am, I am continually being transformed into the woman God intended for me to be. How fun is that?!
This week Elizabeth is bringing back my old van. She and Michael purchased a new car last fall and the van has just been sitting idle. So, I am going to be doing a lot of tapping on my fear of getting behind the wheel again, and working at overcoming my current constraints -- discomfort of being around a crowd of strangers; building up my stamina to walk from the car to the door and through stores or whatever places I decide to go; and who knows what other phobias and foibles I will need to cast off. I am proud of myself for attempting it, facing and overcoming the challenges.
As I trust Him more, God is gradually revealing exactly what purpose I have and how to tap into His grace to walk in it. By the time my memoir is finished it ought to offer hope and help to anyone who has struggled with a lifetime of obesity, feelings of unworthiness and fear of success. And I will have grown immeasurably. For the win!